Subconsciousness

1.

Haunting

That’s what it is

Those repressed memories

Lock them away

Bygones

One vulnerable moment

They’re back at play

What to do?

What to prove?

What else to lose?

Sanity.

2.

It’s about to happen

Dreams never lie

Hunches

Always right

Harsh sounds

Bitter tone

Crushing syllables

One by one

Back against wall

Tears escape

Despair overwhelms

Catching breaths

Here it comes again

3.

There is never enough time

To time the wasted hours

To sleep

To feel ready

To be affirmative

Warriors

At the battlefield

No swords

Shields made of banana leaves

Horses turn into little Eeyore’s

Stabbed through the chests

Pierced into limbs

“Bad dream, bad dream!”

There is enough time to wake up

Never happened

Second chance.

4.

Waking up to a stranger

In a dream

Skin to skin

Face transforms

Space vanishes

A ghost made of lost pieces

Of heart and soul’s

Waking up

Again and again

From a stranger

To an alien.

The catalyst for all pleasures of her cunt

(Tức “Vịnh Tình Ảo”)

 

He never cheats, to say the least

When she comes home, he’s always there

upstairs

waiting

to listen to all of her bitching, complaining, contradicting,

on-going, never-ending life suffering…

And you still wonder why

she doesn’t like

outings.

 

She calls him her inspiration

Her salvation

Her religion

Her possession

The catalyst for all pleasures of her cunt

Her husband

He’s been through battles

and rapes, murders,

life-threatening disorders,

and ultimate dispairs

in her worst nightmares

 

You would think

she couldn’t imagine

her life without such incredible being

 

But you see,

with just enough savings

And a couple clicks

In case he’s gone

She could always

order

another

figure

from

 

Amazon.

 

 

Blank page

[work in progress, feeling good to write it out at last nevertheless...]

 

I stare at the blank page for hours

So many times I’ve tried to phrase our love on paper;

I listen to the rain falling outside

Thinking of the seasons we’ll spend together.

 

I fall asleep on the blank page,

The last thing I see is your face.

I wake up to realize a dream come true

My first sensation comes from your embrace;

I fall asleep on the blank page,

The last thing I see is your face.

There is no peace in this whole wild world

That could compare to the peace in my heart.

 

I try to write as I watch you sleep

Resting on my lap, baby you are one peaceful kid

I caress your face as you’re having REM

Before I know it I couldn’t resist planting down a kiss

 

I fall asleep on the blank page,

The last thing I see is your face.

I wake up to realize a dream come true

My first sensation comes from your embrace;

I fall asleep on the blank page,

The last thing I see is your face.

There is no peace in this whole wild world

That could compare to the peace in my heart.

 

It feels different each time, in a good way, I guess…

Déja vu aside…

When I was a kid, my mom gave me “Le petit prince”, asked me to read it and added that one can read “Le petit prince” at any point in their life and get something different out of it each time. She was right. An elephant inside a giant boa was what I remembered after reading “Le petit prince” at the age of 9. The sci-fi factor in the planets and universe was what kept me reading when I revisited “Le petit prince” at the age of 13. Loneliness was what haunted me after reading it again on my sweet 16.

Has it ever happened to you? I’ll bet on that. I’ve watched Forrest Gump hundreds of times and appreciated it in a hundred different ways. It’s a pretty kick-ass feeling to experience something new in something so familiar.

But have you ever watched a movie twice at different points in your life and had opposite feelings about it? For instance you love romantic comedy, but after a bad break-up for some faith shaking event you would find yourself miserable sitting through a cliché happy ending knowing it’s never gonna happen in real life. I cried at the end of a romantic comedy once for crying out loud. Like “Well they got each other, I got nothing!”. Drama-queen me acting out. A bit of history, that’s all.

 

Quoting my yesterday Facebook status: “One of the advantages of marriage must be being able to shake/poke/kick your husband real hard if he falls asleep while you’re pouring your heart out. Unlike me now, assumed he was overwhelmed for 5 minutes, went hello? hello? for another 3 minutes, told him I was hanging up in 2 minutes just to waste 10 minutes of phone bill and then figured he had actually fallen asleep on the damn phone”

So here goes what I was pouring my heart out about…

UP is my current favorite Pixar Movie. No need to explain. Just another Disney classic, amazing in so many ways. I cried my eyes out when I watched it for the first time. Well, who wouldn’t, you would ask. The thing is there were two reasons for my mushiness – the touching love story of Carl and Ellie, and the undeniable thought going through my mind that true love like that would probably never happen to me. I was “seeing” him at that time.

The second time I watched UP was at home with my mom and lil sister. Again I cried. Two reasons: One – I wasn’t sure dating Manatee would turn into something or not; Two – Comparing the Fredrickson couple to my parents were not a good idea.

The next time I watched UP, it was on Disney Channel. I cried twice that day – as I watched the way Carl cherishes Ellie’s memories, and when Manatee held me tight in his arms. Life is short. I wanted to be with him for as many days as our lifetimes allow. I was ready to marry him.

The last time I watch UP was two days ago, also on Disney Channel. I cried at the last 5 minutes of the movie. Again, life is short. What happened to Carl and Ellie will happen to me and Manatee in…optimistically saying, at most half a century if we’re lucky. I don’t want to ever regret not having spent more time with him. I looked at all this time we’ve been together and wiped my tears away, feeling absolutely blessed – I found the love of my life. I found true love.

It’s safer to hope for the best while expect the worst. It’s safer to place complete trust in no one but yourself. But it is much better, and it is life indeed to give every piece of your heart to the man you love, knowing he always gives you every piece of his too, every moment of every day. Even if he falls asleep on the phone sometimes, he is still the best thing that ever happened to you. At least both sides of your Gemini sister agreed on it.

Anyway, if you make supper and he’s starving after a long day at work, he’ll sit waiting for your home-cooked meal and listening to your talk-of-the-day.

When our children watch UP, I’ll tell them how mom and dad fell in love and built a family together.

…

The past few months, Vermont, wedding planning and stuff…

I must say I appreciate quiet nights like this when I can sit in front of my laptop’s screen and just type away when everyone is asleep, including my fiance who is probably having his REM right now in the house that I will be moving in once we get married.

I’m sleeping over at my aunt’s house with my two teenage cousins who will be groomsmen in my wedding. At least I think they’ll do it once I ask them nicely. It’s been a month or so since I returned from my second trip to the US which lasted 6 weeks, 4 of which in VERMONT! Yes, Vermont. Why? For an absolutely wonderful experience I’ll never ever stop thinking about…a one-month writing residency at Vermont Studio Center. Imagine an aspiring writer working among published poets and novelists, sharing meals with established and rising visual artists, watching corny movies over red wine in the lounge with “loco” sculptors…Oh, and oh my God…the landscape, nature, and the air of Johnson, Vermont…Trapp Family Lodge and Lake Champlain, maple trees and water falls. It would be a crime if I don’t write at least a bunch of good stuff from all the inspiration they gave me.

Mother Fairy took fifty children to the mountain

Father Dragon took fifty children to the ocean

“Dong bao” is what we call each other

We believe our ancestors were born from the same womb

Here I am thousands of miles from home

I’ve met a Cherokee, seen the Statue of Liberty, tasted Vermont Cheddar Cheese

I’ve held the soil of the Grand Canyon, leaned against the red bricks of Boston, learned to say “better” like an American.

Here I feel the Gihon River running through my fingers

Here I touch your archetype

Would you like to touch mine?

Sometimes it feels like my BIG love is the only thing that’s good about coming back to real life. One month passed and other short visits also ended. I’ve been back to work, which has nothing interesting to talk about except for my sort of volunteer work with the school I’ve been teaching part-time. It feels great to work with a talented mentor and be able to see the difference I can make. I want to keep my promise with the amazing Vermont fellow residents that I will always find time for creativity, time for writing, for my poetry.

To sum up my relationship with Siegfried, up to the point as of right now when we’re weeks away from our engagement ceremony and 4 months away from our wedding, I got these few lines…

Tears and laughs

Like works of art

Been through it all

Our love’s a masterpiece at last.

I guess when someone can make you hate him to the extreme and at the same time feel like your heart can jump off your chest anytime because it belongs to him completely, it’s time you married him. Hm…I forgot about my ao dai fitting today, better go tomorrow. Reading plan for this week: The Island Of Dreams by Nguyen Nhat Anh, and The Cuisine of Viet Nam.

By the way, this came out this morning, sort of a long over due poem, repressed feelings of ages ago, I guess…

A photograph freezes the moment.

Looking

at myself

smiling

next to you,

Nothing

does it

like

the truth.

Another lifetime

it feels;

Another confession

left

unspoken.

Cheerios.

you & me

<3

for the rest we’ll see…

love.peace.serenity

I once wondered if this would ever happen to me, wondered if I would ever get to feel

love

peace

and serenity

…all in one moment.

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure”

Originally written by Diane Warren, who though has never married, penned legendary romantic songs for names like Celine Dion, Cher, Toni Braxton…this song was first recorded by and was indeed a breakthrough for Aerosmith.

Is it true that writers who have never married are more likely to write moving things about love?

I’d written a bunch of depressing/corny or so-called painfully beautiful poems/lyrics before I met you, some I’m still pretty proud of. But the fact that I am not writing as much as I used to now that I’m with you doesn’t mean that commitment stops the artistic flow of love. It simply inspires me in a different way. And I’m lovin’ it every second because…
“I don’t wanna close my eyes
I don’t wanna fall asleep
‘Cause I’d miss you, babe
And I don’t wanna miss a thing
‘Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you, babe
And I don’t wanna miss a thing”

I used to write as a hopeless romantic. Writing gives me something to hold on to. I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper when you were drifting off on my lap just now…
“Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we’re together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever”

Love.

Peace.

Serenity

were the words that came to my mind…

And I know it’s real. I know you are real. We are real. I know I can believe in us. I can allow myself to indulge the happiness and bliss I feel as I take a deep breath in serene gratitude…For you are with me.
I don’t wanna miss one smile
I don’t wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

I got you, babe…